I failed an evaluation.
I failed an evaluation. I want to believe I took it like a champ. I cried, when I got home and told my parents and Isis said "don't let a grade define you", (OF COURSE I DON'T LET GRADES DEFINE ME I'M NOT A whatever). Then I started saying and sobbing that what hurts is the fact that just a couple of days ago I had made a promise to myself not to fail any evaluation, along with going to UBC and many other goals, and I failed to keep it, and I know what kind f superstitious thoughts go through my head, like, if you failed at that you'll fail at everything else blah blah blah.
But anyway, I'm trying to make myself feel better. I will always have options. The day my options run out is the day I die. So there.
Sometimes I welcome death. I say to God, if You'd like to take me now, go ahead, I don't mind, I'm not scared. I don't think they are suicidal thoughts because I don't want to kill myself. I want God to kill me. I mean, in His ways which no one will ever understand. Because dying is the easy way. If you live, then you have worries and stress and anxiety. If you're dead, that's it, you're dead. No responsabilities, no worries, no nothing. Why do I want the easy way then?
Perhaps I feel like I'm not good enough, like I'll never get anything I want in life.
Mom said not to worry about the grade; she sounded comforting for a moment. Then she made a comment she could've kept to herself.
Dad said he understood why I was stressed about it; it's a self motivation thing or something like that.
I honestly don't enjoy my sister's visits. Somehow, when it's just Esther and I, we fight less, we actually get along, perhaps not smoothly but along we get. And Isis, it's like she brings with her personna bad vibes that seep into our household. Maybe it's mean to say this, but that's how I feel, that's how I've felt everytime she comes home.
I think I'm getting more active in CR Youth. Now I'd like for Carlos Zelaya to be active 'cause I'm starting to have a crush on him. He's cute and smart and caring. I like seeing him when he arrives to school and helps his little sister get down from the car and carries her bag and it's so cute. I like his smile. He's athletic, too, plays football. I'm not gonna miss any game.
I've had a crush on this guy from church. He's from Pizatti but I see him sometimes, and recently the church choir he belongs to is singing at our church. Yes, he sings and plays guitar. He lives nearby. He's tall, not like I'd like tall though, and his arms look fit. I've seen him dance, too, so sexy. Jorge Gavarrete. I've shared a few sentences with him. And he doesn't have a girlfriend, I don't think.
I guess I haven't had a boyfriend because I've never been exposed to the opportunity. My parents don't allow that. I've never had suitors. I've never been confident enough to ask anybody.
So, it's understandable that I've never dated, never kissed, and never nothing. But I'm 16-going-on-17, is that normal?
I don't want to rush anything, but I don't want to be a social outcast either.
Anyway, fate will unwind as it must. Kidding! I'm no Beowulf author. Things will happens when they're supposed to happen.
For April's birthday, she invited me to a small lunch (there was a piñata too). It was fun, except for the parts when they bothered me with this boy, son of a pastor. She had previously said to me that we would be perfect together. Why would she say that? Because he has acne? Because he's unexperienced? He's not good-looking or cool or anything. And goodness, he's a pastor's freaking son. Too many no-nos.
I don't know when to start my applications. I know I can't apply to UBC until after a year in a univeristy here. If nothing comes up, I'll do my year and apply to UBC. I 'd love to go right away, but if I have to wait, I will. Nothing worth having comes easy. And it's not easy to wait another year when I already had in my mind that it was my last year here. It will feel like going back a step.
And I don't know what other options to consider. It seems to me like my aim is too unattainable. Cornell, Berkeley, Standford, Harvard, MIT.
And I'm not sure of the help Ms. Sarah could give me, or wants to give me.
This year I feel like they're not considering me for anything (Math Olympics, and I suspect even MUN), like they purposefully keep back helpful information. Maybe it's all in my head. I do tend to be paranoid.
Today at the dermatologist, the Dr. said I am getting better, my skin much clearer. I'm glad.
Soon I'll be pretty.
I want to be pretty, beautiful.
I want to feel beautiful.
But anyway, I'm trying to make myself feel better. I will always have options. The day my options run out is the day I die. So there.
Sometimes I welcome death. I say to God, if You'd like to take me now, go ahead, I don't mind, I'm not scared. I don't think they are suicidal thoughts because I don't want to kill myself. I want God to kill me. I mean, in His ways which no one will ever understand. Because dying is the easy way. If you live, then you have worries and stress and anxiety. If you're dead, that's it, you're dead. No responsabilities, no worries, no nothing. Why do I want the easy way then?
Perhaps I feel like I'm not good enough, like I'll never get anything I want in life.
Mom said not to worry about the grade; she sounded comforting for a moment. Then she made a comment she could've kept to herself.
Dad said he understood why I was stressed about it; it's a self motivation thing or something like that.
I honestly don't enjoy my sister's visits. Somehow, when it's just Esther and I, we fight less, we actually get along, perhaps not smoothly but along we get. And Isis, it's like she brings with her personna bad vibes that seep into our household. Maybe it's mean to say this, but that's how I feel, that's how I've felt everytime she comes home.
I think I'm getting more active in CR Youth. Now I'd like for Carlos Zelaya to be active 'cause I'm starting to have a crush on him. He's cute and smart and caring. I like seeing him when he arrives to school and helps his little sister get down from the car and carries her bag and it's so cute. I like his smile. He's athletic, too, plays football. I'm not gonna miss any game.
I've had a crush on this guy from church. He's from Pizatti but I see him sometimes, and recently the church choir he belongs to is singing at our church. Yes, he sings and plays guitar. He lives nearby. He's tall, not like I'd like tall though, and his arms look fit. I've seen him dance, too, so sexy. Jorge Gavarrete. I've shared a few sentences with him. And he doesn't have a girlfriend, I don't think.
I guess I haven't had a boyfriend because I've never been exposed to the opportunity. My parents don't allow that. I've never had suitors. I've never been confident enough to ask anybody.
So, it's understandable that I've never dated, never kissed, and never nothing. But I'm 16-going-on-17, is that normal?
I don't want to rush anything, but I don't want to be a social outcast either.
Anyway, fate will unwind as it must. Kidding! I'm no Beowulf author. Things will happens when they're supposed to happen.
For April's birthday, she invited me to a small lunch (there was a piñata too). It was fun, except for the parts when they bothered me with this boy, son of a pastor. She had previously said to me that we would be perfect together. Why would she say that? Because he has acne? Because he's unexperienced? He's not good-looking or cool or anything. And goodness, he's a pastor's freaking son. Too many no-nos.
I don't know when to start my applications. I know I can't apply to UBC until after a year in a univeristy here. If nothing comes up, I'll do my year and apply to UBC. I 'd love to go right away, but if I have to wait, I will. Nothing worth having comes easy. And it's not easy to wait another year when I already had in my mind that it was my last year here. It will feel like going back a step.
And I don't know what other options to consider. It seems to me like my aim is too unattainable. Cornell, Berkeley, Standford, Harvard, MIT.
And I'm not sure of the help Ms. Sarah could give me, or wants to give me.
This year I feel like they're not considering me for anything (Math Olympics, and I suspect even MUN), like they purposefully keep back helpful information. Maybe it's all in my head. I do tend to be paranoid.
Today at the dermatologist, the Dr. said I am getting better, my skin much clearer. I'm glad.
Soon I'll be pretty.
I want to be pretty, beautiful.
I want to feel beautiful.