Sometimes I feel really lonely.

Sometimes I feel really lonely. 

I know we are all alone in this world, but to avoid feeling lonely we have each other. I, sadly, do not have the latter. 

For some reason, I don't want to open up to my family, perhaps because most of the things I'd talk about is how much they get on my nerves. I need a friend but I feel like I've already lost my chances. We learn to make friends as little kids and I hardly made any. The one that I made, left me. I'm probably not a good friend, then. Strangely, I feel like I'd make a great one. 

Finding a friend, I think, is as a tedious job as finding a boyfriend. It has to be someone that will accept me and want to know me, build a strong bond based on trust, have similar ideas of what life is supposed to be about. Be with me forever. 

Call me obssesed. Call me crazy. I know you want to. Whatever.

I don't know why I have such a hard time with people in general. I sometimes snap back when someone in my family talks to me. I don't know why. Sometimes I don't have the patience to treat them. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking to them, or anyone, like right now. I want to shut myself in my room, which I wish I didn't have to share. I value my space. I value my time alone. It makes me think. The disadvantage is that thinking makes me wish-wish I was somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else. I want time to speed up but I don't know to when. I hope that I can carry out my plans. I had to start small, in my hometown. Then, I'll have to go live in the capital, the challenge being that I have to live with family that don't understand that I like my space and they give me very little of it. My plan for when I arrive there is that I'll spend most of my time in the University. I'll even ask them not to make me lunch. I really want Dad to build the room he said he would build for me. With a private bathroom. The house there is cramped. If I'm gonna live there, I want to be able to breathe. I don't like that when I stay there, I have to change in the bathroom. I hate it there. I don't hate the people there, but I don't like them. They stick their noses in my business unintentionally. They're like that and I can't change them. But I'll make them learn that I'll hardly share anything. 

I think I don't like the idea of talking to my family because they can use it against me. 

I have so much dread. I have so much impatience, desperation. I don't want to wait. I want to win a scholarship in Germany and work there. I want to find a friend. I want to find what I miss. I don't know what I miss.