I just turned 18.
I just turned 18. Feel no different. I guess it takes a while to feel your age; it has happened to me for a few birthdays already.
Right now I'm just thinking how this might be the last birthday I properly spend with my nuclear family. I'm anxious for the new experiences! What if by my nineteenth birthday, I have friends that thorw me a party, or at least take me out and give me presents or something. Up to this point in my life, I've never really felt like those girls I see in TV, getting their every wish come true. I guess I just want to really feel appreciated.
It's not that my family doesn't, I mean, they don't explicitly say it, I don't think, so I just assume they do. I don't know. Maybe it's just the way they express that feeling that I don't get, or I don't know. I can't help feeling this way.
Am I depressed?
So we went to eat sushi. We all love it. By the time we're done eating (btw, Mrs. Ilze had come in, too), we are fighting because Esther and I feel like Yeye doesn't do enough around the house and Dad had wanted to settle that problem by making us choose our chores but she ended up not taking any. We were all sour after that.
But the sourness had begun earlier when Mom said I was gonna vote for her party and I was like, how do you know? And Gloria was there, and I guess that doubled up the slap in the face she felt, whatever. And also, she's been going round with the idea that people don't get to have privacy until they don't live with their parents anymore, like wth!? The problem is she's so nosy.
Anyway, at the sushi place, things got nasty 'cause besides the chores issue, we're apparently not traveling to Costa Rica anymore. We had been so pumped, telling everybody, and dad was like, the business hasn't come down yet. I mean, I get it. Finding work is hard. Selling is hard. It's just, we get out hopes up and being disappointed is so much worse after. Yeye was all over him, scolding him for always talking too much to everybody, sharing way more than he should. I added in how the translating gig he had supposedly in stock for us ended up being null, and what a let down that had been, and how the people in Tegus always ask about those things, like my supposed room in that tiny house, and we have to make excuses for things that were never bound to happen. And then Mom gets all defensive, saying we have something against her side of the family, like always. She doesn't get it though. She's just like them. They're all nosy. Mom likes to tell everybody every tiny detail, like stuff I never even realized I had shared with her, suddenly I hear back from my aunt. Wth!? It annoys me soooo much!
And just now, we cut the cake. For some reason, I wasn't in the mood for cake. So I had my pajamas on, a hoodie on top, and just sat there with a displeased facial expression. Yeye went at me, saying I'm always mad, never smiling even for my birthday, and Mom was like, do you hate taking portraits because you think you're ugly? Wth?!? I'm like, no, I just don't think people on the internet care about this, this moment is for us to enjoy. Yeye didn't leave my back, but Mom backed up a little and just accepted the fact that her middle daughter was not easy to please.
And I'm not.
So I'm thinking.
My moving away, even if it's just to Tegucigalpa, will do good for us.
They say time heals scars, and I'm not sure we even have them, but I'm hoping something shifts in my family. Maybe they'll take me seriously. I mean, I don't know if they do or not. I don't know what they think of me. I don't even know what I think of me.
I want to give shape to my life.
I'm always wondering whether I have a hard time recalling moments from my past because they weren't memorable enough. Perhaps I just block out entire years of my life because of some weird disease. Who knows.
There are so many things I want to do.
I want to cut my hair short short.
I want to laser-shave my unwanted hair.
I want to visit a skin and hair consultant and have a healthy skin and hair care routine.
I want to visit the doctor, general and gynecologist, treat my problems.
I want to exercise daily, with a sports team or something.
I want to eat a super healthy diet.
I want to become a minimalist.
I want to make a best friend, maybe even two.
I want to fall in love.
I want to travel and explore.
I want to feel independent.
I want...so many things I'm probably not gonna get in the near future.
My head's pounding.
Right now I'm just thinking how this might be the last birthday I properly spend with my nuclear family. I'm anxious for the new experiences! What if by my nineteenth birthday, I have friends that thorw me a party, or at least take me out and give me presents or something. Up to this point in my life, I've never really felt like those girls I see in TV, getting their every wish come true. I guess I just want to really feel appreciated.
It's not that my family doesn't, I mean, they don't explicitly say it, I don't think, so I just assume they do. I don't know. Maybe it's just the way they express that feeling that I don't get, or I don't know. I can't help feeling this way.
Am I depressed?
So we went to eat sushi. We all love it. By the time we're done eating (btw, Mrs. Ilze had come in, too), we are fighting because Esther and I feel like Yeye doesn't do enough around the house and Dad had wanted to settle that problem by making us choose our chores but she ended up not taking any. We were all sour after that.
But the sourness had begun earlier when Mom said I was gonna vote for her party and I was like, how do you know? And Gloria was there, and I guess that doubled up the slap in the face she felt, whatever. And also, she's been going round with the idea that people don't get to have privacy until they don't live with their parents anymore, like wth!? The problem is she's so nosy.
Anyway, at the sushi place, things got nasty 'cause besides the chores issue, we're apparently not traveling to Costa Rica anymore. We had been so pumped, telling everybody, and dad was like, the business hasn't come down yet. I mean, I get it. Finding work is hard. Selling is hard. It's just, we get out hopes up and being disappointed is so much worse after. Yeye was all over him, scolding him for always talking too much to everybody, sharing way more than he should. I added in how the translating gig he had supposedly in stock for us ended up being null, and what a let down that had been, and how the people in Tegus always ask about those things, like my supposed room in that tiny house, and we have to make excuses for things that were never bound to happen. And then Mom gets all defensive, saying we have something against her side of the family, like always. She doesn't get it though. She's just like them. They're all nosy. Mom likes to tell everybody every tiny detail, like stuff I never even realized I had shared with her, suddenly I hear back from my aunt. Wth!? It annoys me soooo much!
And just now, we cut the cake. For some reason, I wasn't in the mood for cake. So I had my pajamas on, a hoodie on top, and just sat there with a displeased facial expression. Yeye went at me, saying I'm always mad, never smiling even for my birthday, and Mom was like, do you hate taking portraits because you think you're ugly? Wth?!? I'm like, no, I just don't think people on the internet care about this, this moment is for us to enjoy. Yeye didn't leave my back, but Mom backed up a little and just accepted the fact that her middle daughter was not easy to please.
And I'm not.
So I'm thinking.
My moving away, even if it's just to Tegucigalpa, will do good for us.
They say time heals scars, and I'm not sure we even have them, but I'm hoping something shifts in my family. Maybe they'll take me seriously. I mean, I don't know if they do or not. I don't know what they think of me. I don't even know what I think of me.
I want to give shape to my life.
I'm always wondering whether I have a hard time recalling moments from my past because they weren't memorable enough. Perhaps I just block out entire years of my life because of some weird disease. Who knows.
There are so many things I want to do.
I want to cut my hair short short.
I want to laser-shave my unwanted hair.
I want to visit a skin and hair consultant and have a healthy skin and hair care routine.
I want to visit the doctor, general and gynecologist, treat my problems.
I want to exercise daily, with a sports team or something.
I want to eat a super healthy diet.
I want to become a minimalist.
I want to make a best friend, maybe even two.
I want to fall in love.
I want to travel and explore.
I want to feel independent.
I want...so many things I'm probably not gonna get in the near future.
My head's pounding.