Dealing with Disappointment

So I did receive yet another no. I guess it's really not meant to happen right now. So I'm staying, for who knows how long. I still want to live in another country, though. That plan is postponed, no longer short-term. 

My next goal is to buy me a new laptop, that's fast and bright. Then, or alongside, I'll buy a new phone with a magnificent camera. Then, I'll go on a trip, maybe by myself. 

Mom said something to me, that I already knew, but was consciously ignoring: if you're not happy here, what makes you think you'll be happy anywhere else. She's right. I feel lonely and I'll continue feeling that way until I don't, and moving abroad would only distract me from the fact. I've been doing that all my life, distracting myself from disappointment. It's like, if I don't think about it, it's not important and I don't care. But in reality, I care a lot.

I need to embrace being alone. Ever since I lived in SPS for ten weeks, I've been more in tune with doing things by myself and enjoying that time. I go to the movies with myself. I treat myself to new clothes. I take myself to lunch dates. I listen to music and dance around the room alone. Before, reading was the sole activity where I could admit to enjoy alone, but now I know that I can be alone in public.

If something's meant to happen, it'll happen. Expect nothing to never be disappointed, only slightly surprised.