Never been kissed
What a stupid phrase. I've decided I hate it. As if kissing is something that happens to you rather than something you do.
Someone shared a crazy story about unknowingly kissing their cousin at a funeral at age 12, and everyone started sharing when they'd given their first kiss. That guy said when he was 8. Another said 10. A girl said 11, another said 13.
Then it was my turn.
I never lie about this. It's not something I'm ashamed of. So I admitted I hadn't kissed yet. None of them could believe it. They made it seem like I was trying to hide something or make myself saintly. I asked if it was my personality that made them disbelieve me. They said no, but how come I had a relationship with a guy and hadn't kissed. (On that note, I'd let them assume I'd actually had a relationship, but I never said I had.)
I didn't feel like I had to explain myself. In fact, I know I have nothing to prove to anybody. And I didn't explain.
But I do have an explanation. I was raised within the context of the Catholic church. I spent my childhood trying to stay a child for as long as possible (I even cried when I got my period but maybe that's another post). I thought (and still do) that relationships at a young age are pointless. So I consciously didn't allow myself to yearn for a boyfriend, or a kiss, or sex. And as I grew up, through high school and then college, I understood that attraction isn't limited to sexuality.
Now I can phrase it like this, but a few years ago I would've said that I just didn't feel sexually attracted to people or inclined to act on my sexual attractions as if it was beneath me. To some extent, I do think that giving in to lust is a display of inferiority.
Intellect is worth a thousand times more to me than physical appearance.
The mind is worth a million times more than the body.
And this reasoning is backed up by my religion. I fondly remember a road trip I took with my dad to the capital for a scholarship interview (that I didn't get) when I was 16. We bonded over music and spirituality. He said that a major problem with humanity is that we put our bodies over our minds, feeding and tending our bodies, giving in to what it asks, rather than mastering it with our minds. The mind is powerful and it feeds on knowledge, overcoming physical barriers. He probably didn't phrase it like that, he's simpler, but his idea planted itself so deep in my brain that I made it a huge part of my personality.
My mom had also planted a critical idea, but instead of helping me understand myself, it corrupted my ability to maintain relationships. She said that, like her, I didn't have a need for other people, that I thrived being alone and my own company was enough. Oh, how wrong was she. Damn my 12-year-old self that believed her and thus condemned my adult self's interpersonal skills. I became arrogant and pedantic, felt superior than my peers for not being like them, when in reality I was depriving myself from character-building experiences.
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my choices regarding boys and sex. I just hope that when the time comes, I'll instinctively know what to do. So far, it has worked. I feel comfortable in my body and feel sexy no matter what I'm wearing. I know what kinds of things I want to do sexually and what things I'll probably never do. However, whenever I try to picture myself with someone, realistically, I can't fathom ever doing anything.
Saliva disgusts me. Kissing grosses me out. Being near someone else's bare genitals is abominal. It seems that when I start thinking about kissing or sex, my mind reminds me how lust can transform the body into an animal and I can't succumb to it. I get annoying thoughts: Am I too intelligent for this aspect of the human experience? Am I too afraid of losing control?
I figure it comes down to control. It explains why I don't dare to get drunk or why I prefer to dance by myself or why I choose to omit speaking whole truths.
Yet, I want to let go, but only knowing that there will be someone to catch me if I fall. My stupid arrogance gets in the way and deems everybody unworthy.
So, I've never been kissed. But I know that when it happens, it will probably not mean much.