Unknowns

How do people live with so many unknowns?

I would try to be okay with not knowing what would happen if I didn't feel so unsatisfied with what was already happening. 

I would like to say that I have more good days than bad ones or even a healthy balance of good and bad days, but it feels like my good days are sporadic. 

And the thing about me is how self-conscious I am: feeling sad and acknowledging my sadness, then feeling absurd for I have so many reasons to be grateful. But the sadness doesn't go away. And the gratefulness doesn't overpower it.

I don't know what will happen to my career. I'm not sure I even want this specific career. 

I don't know if I'll ever open up to another person, or if that person will fulfill the expectations society (or rather, my family) has written up for me. 

I don't know what my goals in life are or will be.

I see so many possibilities; it's overwhelming. The prejudice and judgment I'll receive are the main inhibitors to taking any action.

My parents don't want me to travel by myself or go clubbing. My family expects me to stay unpregnant, buy a house, and also travel the world, and then get married and have a family. They want me to keep a job with a good salary and start checking items off their list as if there should be a list. I have my own list, if anybody cared to ask, and most of the items don't revolve around money or family. 

I don't know if I'll keep my job next year or if I even want to.

I don't know if I'll get back my money from my failed attempt at studying abroad. 

I don't know if I'll ever fall in love.

I don't know if I'll bear living with my family for much longer.

I don't know if I'll paint my car.

When will I get to enjoy my life for multiple days in a row?